Commodify Your Offense

What offends you? We have many choices, so go ahead and take your pick.

Is it people? Places? Politics? Feel free to wander beyond the P’s aisle to the O’s or U’s where the ostriches, outlandish, and unnecessary dwell. You’re sure to find something! I know we’ve never left a customer unsatisfied.

Choose from any ideology, ontology, etymology, or other words ending in Greek suffixes that you may or may not understand. Get anything you like, or don’t like rather (Ha!), and place it on any product you want.

Don’t like science? Great! Put it on a mug! Don’t like an economic policy? Try a T-shirt! Don’t like people of a certain creed? That’s easy, get a bumper sticker! Don’t have the patience to legitimately engage with belief-sets that are different then your own? Don’t worry! With our products you won’t need to! They’ll broadcast your message to everyone you meet so you won’t have to be bothered with questioning anything!

Who has time for a nuanced and particular discussion that might ultimately result in a slight change in your position when you can settle for blasting pre-determined generic beliefs by what you wear, use, and buy!

Don’t know what to be offended about? That’s no problem either! We have ready-made mind-sets and attitudes available for download at only a moment’s notice. Get our anti-abortion or anti-corporation starter kit (We don’t care which one!) for a social status upgrade of your choosing. How do you know which one to choose? That’s easy! We can predict your most likely offenders with 95% accuracy based on where you were born and in what year, so you won’t have to make any decisions or deliberations of your own!

And if you’re still unsure, then fear not. You can settle for the catch-all social media rant that disparages people who voice opinions or participate in behaviors of any kind. Call now, and we’ll throw in the preachy tone and know-it-all attitude that will really convince people that you’re right! Most people identify with emotion in speech more than content. What’ll it be about? Who cares! Traffic, parenting, a scathing critique of older or younger generations, any one will do! All that really matters is that you affirm the superiority complex you’ve been coddling since childhood!

Now if you still have questions like, “How can I know these problems are legitimate?”, worry not my friend! Most people are just out there to have their own beliefs regurgitated back at them so they can gobble it up and say, “See, I knew I was right all along!” It’s so easy! So, what are you waiting for?! Pick up the phone! Check out our website! Download our App!

Everyone knows that there’s nothing better than being outraged. So why wait?! Stop by and Commodify Your Offense at any institution near you! Get started now and be sure to buy a product that lets people know exactly what kind of person you are. Because nothing says, “I am _____” like buying.

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